for Krissy
i spent the morning laying at the bottom of my pool
wondering why i have to come up for air at all,
life would be better if i could spend all day in the water or in the sun
with no harm done.
life would be better if we never invented the gun.
that way i would never have to hear the echo of a life once lived.
so now i’ll take my body, which is beyond saturation point, to the shore
where i can fill my old aged mind with the salt of the sea
in hopes of it erasing reality
because i am not here right now.
i am sending my very best miles away to where it’s actually needed
and i can’t get there quick enough, even though i am dreading it
i don’t think i can bear the look upon your face
or the strength you’ll possess verses the strength you’ll fake
you are already aged more than your years give you credit for
but i wonder how much older you’ll be when the week is over.
i wonder how much older you’ll be after you see his body laid to rest.
he was your father and you were his moon
but regardless of how hard you tried or how bright your light was
it would never be enough for him to feel alright.
i hope as time goes by the world is softer on you.
i hope you learn from his mistake
and seize this life with everything good in you
before the darkness comes after you too.
I’ve been having trouble
getting to sleep again.
My ghosts are back to haunt me.
Memories like misguided missions
are driving me crazy
so I’ll wear your apology around my finger
as a constant reminder of all the shit you put me through.
Isn’t that already a poem?
One about the boy who me calls his baby
when he says good night;
the boy who, despite my resistance
is willing to put up a fight.
And I remember, I remember
the night he caught my eye
and his persistent request to kiss my lips
he wanted an invitation to let him into my heart
but the truth is he’s still waiting.
And I remember the times he would pretend
to like the words I write,
back when he would come see me perform
and call me amazing.
I’ve kept your little notes
in spite of our recent distance.
And I see your ghost beside my bed
calling me back, trying to get me to rest
but I can’t help my worrying head
from wondering where this will leave me.
So I stay and write some lines
that you’ll never read.
Wait… now I’ve lost track
of who I’m writing this about
yet I presume it doesn’t matter
because I miss them both
and that’s what this is all about.
you can stab me all you want,
talk your shit and be a prick
you say it’s me who turned my back and walked away
but that’s my heart in your hand
my blood all over your clothes
you made a corrupt shiv out of our friendship
and it’s taking all of me
to toss your insults aside
‘cause if you cared, you would have let me live my life
a life filled with simple joys
and extraordinary days
but you can’t see the happiness in me, oh no
your blinded by misery
and broken down by sorrow
I shouldn’t expect you to take in all I am
and still, the saddest part is…
(no, not how it ended but)
you’re nothing more than a memory to me now
so stab me all you want but
I will bleed for you no more
you never loved me for who i am, no
you loved the made up version of me, the
broken, confused, self-loathing, feeble me
now that i’m happy you say you don’t know
who i am but i do. i do. I DO
and I will not sit here and be abused, no
because I do not need your selfishness
I’m better off alone than with a friend
who always resents my tranquility
let me out, let me free, you’re choking me!
leave it alone when you are all done, I
I hope that you hate me, hate me so good
it’s the only thing I can ask of you
even after everything we’ve been through
tell your story and spread your lies, I know
one day you won’t have a clue who you are
but I will always know who I am, yeah
I do. I do. I DO know who I am
I won’t take this with my hands tied up tight
I refuse the part: Martyr of Drama
You will not exploit me without a fight
Nonetheless, I see a trend in hindsight
It is always the same old karma
But I won’t take this with my hands tied up tight
Even without any support of light
I can see through you like rays of gamma
You will not exploit me without a fight
And at least at the end of the night
I can say that I possess some dharma
And I won’t take this with my hands tired up tight
I don’t deserve what I got, you know I’m right
Yet we all know you add something extra
But you will not exploit me without a fight
How about we make this simple, alright?
There isn’t a part of me that wants to play part in your drama
I won’t take this with my hands tied up tight
You will not exploit me without a fight
I can still
picture the way
your eyes glistened with
honest, sincere happiness
hear your voice as it whispered
words of hope and genuine love
into my ears
feel your hand stroking my hair,
gently rubbing my back and legs;
a touch I needed more than I was able to say
see your angel hovering in the darkness
taste our bitter end
sense when you’re not okay
And I can see you there
longing for something more
I can still
hope that you become
the girl you always
dreamed you would
wish that you use up
every single drop
of your potential
wonder how your life
is unfolding
without me by your side
look forward to the day I see love in your eyes
speculate over what you think of me now
dream of the day I can tell you the truth
But for now I can see you there
not really knowing who you are.
