Hit Me

it hit me like a drink in the face; it hit me like the pavement after being purposefully tripped in public; it hit me like a mac truck at sixty miles per hour; it hit me like embers in my eye, ash to my lungs, hot liquids to my tongue; it hit me like writers block and it clung in the the right places like satin sheets temping me, tempting me, tempting me, tempting me back into bed but it’s the past hiding between those sheets and i don’t want to rest my head where i’ve already been, don’t want to return to places i decided were best deserted. so yes, it hit me as hard as anything can. much like the day i looked in the mirror and decided i was okay with my lips and eyes and freckles and i realized that i can think i’m pretty and not be a bitch; it hit me like the day i figured out that i am a short person and that i will never see the tops of peoples heads but that they can still look up to me. and it hit me like the day the seventh doctor told me they couldn’t fix my  wrists bounding me to braces and physical limits my mind will never fully comprehend; it hit me like winning first place and being stripped of the opportunity for gold, teased with the possibilities; it hit me like gasping for air after walking away from a blinding love that was never a love to begin with; it hit me like knowing i can save someone from jumping just by being in their life; it hit me like the day i recognized the fact my best friend doesn’t know who i am anymore; it hit me like realizing i’m gay but it slipped in like pattern in poetry and night into day. it hit me hard as anything: no one knows who i am and i stand alone.

I stand alone. And that’s not to say I’m lonely or bitter or better for the solitude; it’s just become the truth. I stand alone on a cliff overlooking my heart, which is to say, I over see my emotional tides and twilight constellations that tell stories from my herstory and I can see as far into my future as I would like. Friends, like clouds come and go and my family is in the varying shades of blue in the backdrop of everything I call my own. But it hit me, like nothing I’ve ever experienced when you looked me in the eye and seemed utterly surprised that I had changed over time, as if all our late night drives contemplating transformations of the mind and revolutions that work by building the notion of paradox, humor and change from the inside out and living a life by the manifestations of the truths originated in the two front seats of my hybrid machine were just two teens pretending to speak truth. And truth still puts his dirty hands all over me and truth still has a way of bringing me to my knees but I’ve learned how to make truth work for me. So while you’re there still living in your fear, I am standing on the edge of the world I’ve created for myself. I am stringing together my wings feathered with personal belief and self esteem. And though it’s currently a work in progress so is the progression of my thoughts. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, one day I will find home within the dimensions of my body and I will take that with me wherever I decide to fly with my metaphorical wings. Because the limitations of the minds eye are dismal at best but the imagination of my soul is infinite.

Affinity is eternity is divinity is me and the deities are taking the fear from I raised to the tenth power and divided by my intuition. My third eye has nearly perfect vision. What can I see? Well for the first time in my life I opened my eyes and it hit me as hard as anything can: I have the ability to see the boundless possibilities of all that is me and that power is granted by the fact that I stand alone.

I stand alone, free from debilitating fear, free from ice on a window, free from smoke in my eyes, free from the limitations of my height because you may not know it but I, I, I am a short person. But I stand on stilts made up of my own words, which mirror my moral fortitude, and I am taller than I’ve ever been before. I want to be a spiritual giant before I’m through.

It hit me harder than anything has before:
I stand alone.
And by that I mean, I am free. So clean the dirt off your face and come join me.