quondam skin

more and more i settle into my older years
leaving my quondam skin up for grabs
and my aged words subject for interpretation
which will most likely turn into an artists nightmare
with the mention of structure and rules
and i don’t know when but a time is going to come
when my ability to compromise will exceed my capacity for fear
i’ll live like everyday was a sunday in september
the type of day when the cold is unmistakably evident
but fades by the afternoon
and on any giving sunday in philadelphia
i’ll find myself saturated with love
and overwhelmed with accomplished dreams
yet, presently things seem somewhat superficial
we let our lives play out as if reading from an amateur script
and i’m aching, simply aching for some honesty.
i’m aching for the reality of someone else’s hand on my cheek
someone else’s lips on my own
i am aching for the extremes of love
i refuse to settle for a counterfeit, no matter how similar it looks
because i want someone to forge a universe in our names
create a sun with our passion
a planet with our love,
make me feel like i’m floating in the ocean with a simple touch
i want the earth to tremor whenever i see her walk into the room
i just want her to get here and change my mind about love
because i’m becoming rather skeptic
and my vocabulary isn’t quite as lofty
i try to think about how my life would have been
if i didn’t let fear take me over for as long as it did
i’m lusting for some self forgiveness
but i’m not sure for what
and i am always looking for some sort of acceptance
but aren’t we all?
and i am always looking for some sort of praise
but aren’t we all?
i put the maps that lead me down the wrong paths on display in a dark room
typed out all the stories in broken prose
called it poetry and let it get dusty on my shelf
meanwhile, i alphabetize, organize, and put on display all my favorite outcomes
even though i know that it is my mistakes that have made me
and although i am still not water proof,
i’m getting closer, at least i think
to making the small things bead on the surface of my skin
rather than letting them be absorbed
still i think i’d give up eternity
so get completely absorbed in a kiss
or lost in someone’s eyes
even jus for a bit
i want to feel it one more time
before my quondam skin is auctioned in for closure due to vacancy
or abandonment
however you’d like to see it
because i’m settling into my older years now
i should be running smoothly from here on out
at least internally
shouldn’t take more than a simple leap of faith
to rid me of despair
because i trust that there is someone out there
who loves the way i love.

the moments and mornings that changed my mind for the better

I
i woke up one morning and stretched my arms
to find that i rubbed elbows with the sun
she left a mark on my arm
but told me not to tell anyone said “this is our little secret,
no one but use needs to know you are the blessed one”

and from that day on
i knew my life had begun
i became a solar powered, rechargeable
hybrid of a human that runs on estrogen
the only voice i hear is my own
the only light i need is natural
i glow from within
and if i ever had to i could generate enough light
to keep even new york city alive at 3am
in the winter time
if only they’d put their faith in a stranger

II
i kissed the son of wisdom
and he left his words on my tongue
said that i’ll be needing them one day
but ever since, my phone hasn’t stopped ringing
and i’ve stopped kissing.

seems like is was much too high a cost
to simply satisfy a physical need
because now i’m in charge of reassuring the weary
of the good days that soon will come
but i haven’t dreamt in centuries
my days are too busy to let my mind wonder
and my nights i either spend lying awake
or in much too deep a slumber
so i’ve learned to live my dreams
and make them better
plus i’d prefer noon over midnight any day

III
i shook hands with the daughter of intuition
and she left her signature on the palm of my hand
told me “it’s all been done before but there is room for invention”
so i envisioned a new way to use the eyes i’ve been given
and now all i see is the truth

but it seems to me that no one else
sees the world the way i see it
full of cracks and flaws and devilish defeat
backed by the potential of a hundred universes
(a hundred universes!)
all of which were built by the single spark of positive energy
and we are just puppets disguised in picket lines of free will
upon a floating planet of inverted laws of attraction
because i can think of silence and sunshine all day long
but the thunder will still crack
and the rain will just keep falling.

IIII
so now ever morning i’m reminded of my sun
and the opportunities she grants me every time she rises
i watch as the clock turns to 11:11 am
and i make a wish to meet with the son of wisdom one more time
i want to feel his lips, taste his words
oh i just want to remember what it feels like to kiss with some emotions
i want to hear the thunder roar at my welcome mat
just so i can trust my intuition when she says that thunder has no place here anymore
we’re all going to forget the grey sky
and what it’s like to have the blinds drawn
because today
and everyday after
all i see is truth and natural light
from my hybrid human eyes.

one day

one day:
…i will find home within the dimensions of my body
……and i will take that with me wherever i go
…i will find a profession doing what comes natural to me
…i will speak about my life and my time as being spent wisely
…i will drive to the town where i grew up
……to see it no longer looks the same
…i will hear my words coming from a movie screen
…i will live on an island all the way out west
…i will love someone without boundaries for the remainder of my life

but for now i will be delighted with the fact that i am incomplete
because to me that means that i have time to change and grow, emerge and see things differently
for the day that i am complete
will be the day that i am stuck in my ways
and in that case i don’t think i ever want to be whole
i never want to feel trapped in a state of mind
or fixed with one point of view.
i like seeing the world from different angles
i like knowing it won’t look the same way for very long

yeah, i think for now i’ll revel in all i have left to do
i still have plenty of firsts to cross off my lists
and there is an entire city of people i have yet to kiss
there are thrills i haven’t sought out
and targets that i haven’t even aimed for.

one day:
…i will be able to say i’ve done it all
……or at least everything i wanted to
…i will have a life time of memories
…i will have a family all of my own
…i will know the truth about heaven
…i will intuit everything i need to know

one day
i will find home within the dimensions of my body
and i will take that with me wherever i go.

tonight

and tonight we drive
to the nautical mile
tonight we commemorate the lives we’ve lived
tonight we celebrate our lives!

and we will ride like we always do
windows down, music up, fighting for shotgun
we watch as the sun sets memories in our hearts
we fly free all night,
we chase the stars to jupiter,
play-fight with plastic swards on mars,
and steal light from the sun ‘till morning comes!
‘till morning comes.

and when morning comes
we go back to our resting place
we kiss our parents
and thank God for our bedrooms
we sit at our desks and make to-do-lists
we check-in the boxes
one by one
we mentally take posters off the walls,
pick out the pictures that have yet to be taken
figure out what shirts to bring
yes, we mentally pack our shit for university
before it’s our time to get shipped.

and now that sounded wrong
for we’re all happy about where we’re headed
it’s just that this night won’t last all summer
and this summer won’t last forever
and i have yet to see anything last forever
but we said friends for
if ever you need i’ll be on the other line
i’ll catch a train or a bus or a butterfly or i’ll run
just to be by your side
and i hope i’ll meet your expectations as a friend
i hope you rewrite your definition of friend to fit my mold
so that you never settle for someone any less willing to make you happy

and tomorrow we will ride like we always do
windows down, music up, fighting for shotgun
we will watch as the sun foreshadows what’s to come
we will fly free all day,
we will chase the clouds to the horizon,
start rain storms over the desert,
and steal light from the sun ‘till twilight comes!
‘till twilight comes

but for tonight
we just drive to the nautical mile
tonight we commemorate the lives we’ve lived
tonight we celebrate our lives!

pvd

I
this is only the first flight on the way back east
and i am already showing signs and symptoms of post vacation depression
yes this time i am sure is will be more severe
due to the countless outstanding views
that linger in my mind
and play over and over
just like those few liars of a favorite song
i try to erase it speed up the fading of the memories
out them on fast forward, watch them in reverse
but it all makes no difference
for i have hawai’i in my heart

i’m as close to the stars as i’ll ever be
i have plent to look forward to
it’s like all my little dreams are coming true still i feel lik ei’m losing something
my reflection in the window is softer than i remember
my inneards are cleeaer than they ever have been
the change is subtile, i’m sure
to all attempting to remember how i look
but to me it’s so clear
my eyes feel brand new
except now i have to exchange everything blue for gray
everything bright for something tired

II
the new york sun doesn’t have the room to rise
it has to push its way through the line at starbucks
just like rest of us
then it finds its cubical in the sky
and works the mandatory nine to five
before saying its early good night
who needs the sun in the city that never sleeps
when there is times square
and countless head light gleaming
on a thousand well lit restaurants
oh the sun knows its part so it imitates the color of concrete
yes, it gives what it gets
and that is never enough respect

III
i have been in the threshold of revelation
i have seen the truth and i have seen just how bright it can be
i have seen a rainbow rise nd fall over the ocean
i have seen the view from the side of a mountain
and i have seen its wrath
i have seen the tide rise and fall
i have seen the sun greet the day
and i have seen it reside
i have seen what this world has left to offer
and i have had to say goo-bye

but i know in my heart and in my mind
that i will always remember how it is supposed to feel
because i have seen paradise
and the people in heaven wish they had my eyes
for not even they have seen that type of beauty
no, not ever the people in have
have seen the type of beauty i have laid my eyes upon

waiting game

today i packed my pieces of paradise
i exchanged and printed all the pictures
i put together a play list for the plane
today i said goodbye to my solitary love
i put on the hat with her name printed on it
i just needed to feel like i had a little piece of her with me
because without that, i could not brave the dark night in the sky
and i guess you can say that i am heading home
but i do not feel safe
seems like i’m leaving behind a life tailor made for me
the next four years is just a waiting game now
just a thirty-five-hundred and forty hour sunrise on the life i long to live
i can’t wait to see the galaxies in my loves eyes
can’t wait to feel her rain, to be blinded by her many colors
but for now i’mm be a pawn in this waiting game
i’ll let the mere memory of how she touched me
get me through the dark days
i’ll let the thought of her sweeping beauty be enough
to break through the concrete that surrounds me
yes, i will carry a picture with me
tattoo he catch phrase of my wrist
i will spread her spirit where ever i travel
and i will remember you forever
my love, my home, my sanctuary, my paradise
my beautiful kaua’i