Mental Masochist

I’ve been thinking a lot about growing up, moving on, letting go but I can’t quite put my finger on how I feel about it. I’m solemn but light; growing up doesn’t seem like a heavy burden but something about it makes me feel very serious, grave. It’s liberating yet I don’t want to let go of it all. I’m riding myself from juvenile thoughts and actions but I still haven’t grasped what it is that makes someone an adult. If not age, than what exactly defines an adult? If the answer is maturity, than I have been an adult most of my natural born life and that just cannot be right. In hindsight however, even when I believed myself to be mature, I partook in childish actions like others of that age. Now, at seventeen I have made a distinct point to exclude myself from “typical teenage behaviors.” I don’t “party” when I attend parties and I try (although I unwillingly fail from time to time) to stay out of childish drama. I have integrity that not many my age can compare to; it’s not that I don’t lie or betray (even the most virtuous commit such sins at times) but I am willing to admit them upon recognition. My honesty often gets me in trouble, as do my strong beliefs. And isn’t that mostly the description of an adult? So where does adolescence and young adulthood meet adulthood? Is it a gradual process or can a single moment, a single event, make us grow up? Why is it so hard to let go of the past? In my case, it’s not like it was so great. I was miserable for so long, living a lie for so long, pretending for so long, so why is it that I can’t let go with ease. What is it that I’m holding on to and why do I miss it? I wonder if adulthood is really what I’m reaching for. As of now, it is not often that someone believes me to be merely seventeen years of age, including myself. And still, the idea off actually being 18, 19, 20, unexplainably frightens me. Maybe I am more afraid of moving on than I perceive myself to be. I’ve let go of so many people, things, activities, in my life; I’ve moved on, graduated from my past state of mind, so is this questioning the product of fear and pending loss? I think so. I’m scared that all I have grown to love and enjoy will too, slip through my fingers. I’m terrified that I will have to rebuild and start my life anew, that history will repeat itself, that I haven’t fully grasped some lessons yet. I’m worried that darkness follows light, just like night follows day. I never want to live in that midnight again. But will I have a choice if that time rolls around?

I think I’ve figured it out.

Life is a year:

season like emotional phases,

a new month is the promise of change

weeks are reminders that everything

is not what it seems

time, like an illusion  expands and contracts

and everyday is just a moment

that will be left in the dark.

Nothing ever really ends;

still, nothing is permanent.

            (it’s just a temporary commodity

            to relieve our minds of actuality

            until we are unable to deny its factuality)

Life’s rotation never stops

everything eventually comes back

to where it all began.

Thoughts on 11/14/07

I am folding and refolding

Can’t focus eyes

Cold hands, warm cheeks

I don’t like to lie, but I used to live one.
I read more text books than novels; listen to more lectures than songs; talk out of my ass more than my lips; believe more bull shit than truth; work more than sleep; eat more than taste; write more text messages than letters.
I believe more than I know; I know more than I feel.
I think more than speak; laugh more than smile; cry more now that I’m happy, than ever before.
I dream more than sleep; hope more than wish; type more than write; bend more than break; let go more than stress; spend more than save.
I am me more than ever and I am alive like never before
but I am tired
sooooooooooooooooooo TIRED.

The Chronicles of Forever (Continued)

and I can keep these words
flowin’ perpetually
‘cause life is my muse
and everyone knows
that I’ve paid my dues
nothing can take me down
not even betrayal
can turn my smile around
‘cause true happiness is what I’ve found
and peace of mind is forever

so this is my mantra
my body, soul, spirit accord
this is my heart
three pages long
this is my dedication
to everyone whose been
my inspiration
I thank you for everythin’
and this is how
I will redefine forever

The Chronicles of Forever

I’m typin’ this out by
nothing other than my
computer screen light it
seems like the world’s sleepin’ but
don’t let me fool ya, my
mom’s awake in the
next room
it’s only a
quarter past ten
but time is forever

life is just a breath we
breathe in all we can and we
eventually let it all out and see, we
know that all we
can do is try even when we
become shades of blue and purple we
demand more life because we,
like God understand that
a breath can’t be held forever

so gradually we try to create
our own legacy
like individual signatures
on the universal scrolls of humanity
the true history of the world
as told by those who saw it unravel
rather than old men
and their secular pen
pushing their own version of world
forgetting that spirit is forever

that’s why the poet exists
and the story teller lives
and that’s why the musicians
haven’t run out of songs to sing
‘cause we give our generation
the air it needs to breath
and the room it needs to grow
for we understand the divine
art that creates sacred bonds
we know that words are forever

time is breath and
breath is spirit
and spirit is what got
these words on the page
and these words are my solution
to my minds pollution
when my thoughts are tangled and I
need to condition my point of view
after someone’s done me wrong
because atonement is forever

sometimes it’s good to know that
day follows night
that light follows dark
we can live past hope
and if I can find hope anywhere
than I know I’ve done my best
it’s so much not enough
but I know my spirit will live on
and by spirit I mean words
because words are forever

but it’s still not enough
it seems so inadequate
I wonder what it is that I’m
lookin’ for, I’d search the skies but
there’s not a star to explore
maybe it’s just my addiction to life
my fear of the depths of my mind
or maybe all my love,
all my love that will be known
because love is forever

so this is for all the people
whose names I won’t remember
not because I don’t care
but because I don’t have a good memory
this is for all the artist
who have yet to be born
to all the kids
who are bound to change the world
this is for everyone I haven’t met yet
and for everyone who got left behind
common good is forever

so hold your head up high
and live for this breath
because this breath is your spirit
and your spirit should be atone
with every though in your mind
‘cause those thoughts make up
every word that you can rhyme
so you can keep your heartbeat in time
and life is only a moment in time
so I guess we should thank God that time is forever