I’m a time bomb,
set at birth.
Ready to explode,
at any given moment.
These feelings locked away,
in my oldest memories of you.
I waited, waited for you to walk through the door,
hidden in the shadows of the staircase.
Quiet as can be,
so mommy never found me.
I’d wait for the door knob to turn,
then jump and run down the stairs.
An avalanche of joy,
because daddy was finally home.
Mommy started catching me at the stairs,
making me go back to bed before ever getting a hug.
I stopped giving you kisses,
and started breaking your heart, like you did mine.
I missed you so much,
so much, that I was angry at you.
Then I grew up,
we spent so much time together.
Out on the green,
out in the pool.
All was forgiven,
until you were too tired.
Money well wasted,
on a tired cause.
Tick…Tick…Tick…
I became a philosopher,
a poet, a psychologist.
I started to understand,
the reasons I feel so numb.
I feel guilty and at fault,
I feel resentment, and anger.
You obsess over every little thing,
it’s your curse.
Your computer became your weapon,
against the world.
You work so hard,
all for your family.
I love you for that,
but you don’t work on your relationships.
My feelings surfaced and became clear,
it was you I needed all along.
I want to talk to you,
but we have to talk through mom.
All I want is to talk to you,
and only you.
But you can’t do that,
and I don’t know why.
You think I hate you,
when in reality I love you so much that I’m heartbroken.
I know you well enough to know that you won’t change,
but I can’t forgive you for something that’s not changing.
All I want is for you to put the computer down,
put the phone down, and talk.
I want you to hear why I’m so hurt,
I want to hear you say that it will change.
I’m trying to accept what I cannot change,
but it’s so hard.
It’s so hard, daddy.
I’m a time bomb,
frozen in reality.
I’m a teenage prodigy,
searching for something unknown.
I have no time to squander,
and no energy left to explode.
All I know is that I’m trying.
Boom.
